As part of my stay in the hospital, I spent five days on ITU / HDU the stay has had a significant impact on my mental well-being to the point where I still wake up sometimes with nightmares thinking I’m on there.
My first memory of ITU was waking up to the bright white walls and the feeling of choking due to being ventilated I woke up against sedation they try to give me more sedation, but I have been told I was waving my hands about trying to cover the pump. I asked for a pen and paper which when got it I asked for them to get Charlotte, who is one of the sisters I work with (I knew she was working that night). When she was there, I kept asking vis a piece of paper for her to get the tube out my throat as it was uncomfortable, after a discussion with the doctors they decided to excabate the tube I was lucky as Charlotte stayed with me whole time to keep me calm and will always be grateful for that.
The reason they wanted to keep me ventilated as they knew I had to return to surgery that day due to the packing that had been left in my abdomen as the team had found I had 2 L of blood in my abdomen in the first operation for ectopic pregnancy. They couldn’t find the source of the bleed, so surgery team felt the best plan was stabiles me get CT then return to surgery, but after few hours I was wake breathing against the machine I wanted to be aware of what was happening, so ITU doctors felt my wishes was import and allowed me to come off.
That morning I went for a CT, and that is where I had my panic/anxiety attack this was due to the radiographer calling the nurse into a different room it just made me panic paranoid thinking they must’ve seen something terrible is going on. It made me feel really out of control I ended up shouting and screaming I was getting myself into a state this left me feeling insecure the nurse was great she kept telling me there is nothing to worry about.
An hour or two later was taken down for my second lot of surgery which also was quite strange as the anaesthetist decided to take me into the theatre room to put me asleep and my last memory was seeing all the instruments on the table. After they remove the packaging, there was no source of bleeding, but I was then sent back to ITU /HDU to have close monitoring.
Over the next few days on the unit different things happened, I kept vomiting, so I had to have an NG tube put down which wasn’t pleasant. Due to the positions of the bed, the white walls and glaring lights which made the days drag I felt I was locked in the room and I was lack natural daylight which I missed so much affect me. Sleep became something that I couldn’t do which then started to make me feel disorientated. So, when I heard the call buzzer, I thought they were my patients, and I couldn’t move to go and help them there was a cardiac arrest bell my instinct was to try and get up and help it was just very strange experience. Most of my strange think and thoughts was all linked to nursing.
My experience in ITU is something that has come home with me I sometimes wake up sweating screaming calling out due to having a nightmare or just thinking for a split second I’m back on the unit with stuff in my throat I sometimes in the middle of the day feel like something is in my throats. Hopefully, it will stop soon. I have done reading since using RCN Library; they are study’s talks about the effects of patient mental health. I am looking into how I can get support for this and using website ICUsteps.
I am also nervous how I will feel about going back on ITU when I am in my Nursing role, but I am lucky as our trust amazing staff well-being engagement nurse practitioner has offered to support me in this. Which I feel I will need.
I want to thank amazing nurses on ITU who work so hard to take care of the patients and me. I am so impressed by their knowledge, professionalism, and how they made me feel supported. I also like thank rest ITU team HCAs, Doctors physio and fantastic cleaners who was always smiling.
Tales of Newly Qualified Nurse 